Our core values stem from the simple fact that we believe that most clothing should have a hole for your head, waist, arms and legs--regardless of what the societal elite may have you think. Using cutting-edge technology--such as keyboard/mouse-enabled desktop computers, the Internet (AND the World Wide Web), and those graphing calculators from high school—Fuck Mountain is always at the forefront of futuristic clothing innovations. We believe that what your clothing says about you is more important than your actions, beliefs, or personal hygiene. The thought-provoking messages our clothing designs explore will let everyone who sees you know why they should (or shouldn’t) be your friend, date you, hire you, or let you use their phone charger. Fuck Mountain: you can’t live without us, so we let you buy our clothing.
Like all Fortune 500,000 companies, we find it crucial to share our spiritual journey with our customers so that you are forced to become closer to us metaphysically. This is important to you as a human of faith and skepticism searching for belief and doubt. Every form of loving communion with a higher power is wonderful, but we have found there is only one form of worship that truly works for our “brand.” We believe in the religion known as “Dude, Bro, MAN!.” “What is ‘Dude, Bro, MAN!?’” you ask yourself. Well, ironically, it’s exactly the way it sounds. These are the tenets we believe to be inalienable truth: MAN! created men and was disappointed with the results, because after many trials and tribulations of MAN! trying to get men to be like MAN!, he realized that men have free will and they will always be men. As a solution to this dilemma, MAN! decided to birth Bro as his son to communicate to men that he is MAN!’s Bro, and that all men should seek to get closer to MAN!. (Bro is MAN! and MAN! is Bro; for all intents and purposes they are the same [Bro is perfect like MAN!] but completely different [they don’t have the same name]). We are all men. We want to be MAN!, but we can’t, because MAN! is perfect. No men can ever be MAN!. Men can communicate with MAN!, but only through Bro. But to talk to Bro, we must first accept the fact that Bro is born of MAN!, after which men are rewarded by being born again as Dudes, which is a big deal. Until then, Bro wants nothing to do with you. So you worship Bro as a Dude to get closer to MAN!. MAN! reveals himself to Dudes in the form of men that need to be Dudes, because all Dudes are really striving to be MAN!. Therefore, Dudes need to be constantly recruiting men. After admitting that we are all Dudes, Bro reveals himself to us. We accept him by being a Dude, and he brings us closer to MAN!. If any of this is unclear, please re-read.
Can you think of a better way to feel? It’s better than “good” and “fine” put together! Look at your alternatives: Got a stomach ache? Good luck nailing that job interview. Overwhelmingly sad? Bad look for a first date. General malaise? Even your hospice-bound grandmother will ignore your texts. Great is how we FEEL, and great is how we DEAL. (With adversity.)
Nothing refreshes the mind, body, and spirit like a couple dozen hours in “Slumberland.” You can’t make any mistakes while unconscious, so you’ve already eliminated 100% of your potential for failure in that arena. We’re constantly asleep, and would love it if you were too.
If you’re looking for “things,” you’ll find them after “stuff,” get it? If you share this core value, you do! In fact, if you do a search for core values, you’ll trip right over Achievement, Authenticity, Authority, and Autonomy, asshole! Followed by Balance, Competency, and Determination, dickhead! Any company worth its weight in business has mastered the ABCs, and we’re nearly fluent in our 123s!
For what it’s worth, the mission was accomplished a ways back and re-stating exactly what happened is just not worth the heartache. To be honest, it was traumatizing for everyone, and I believe it’s in our best interest to just move forward and try and salvage something positive from the wreckage of what we have left.
When all is said and done, by the year 3000, we hope to have two offices in each of the fifty states (100 total). This is in the event of an emergency. For example, if our Manhattan office is affected by a city-wide electrical blackout (like during Son of Sam), our business dealings that day will continue in the borough of Queens as if nothing had gone wrong. The Hawaiian island of Maui mistakenly sinks into the ocean (like Atlantis)? We simply cart our filing cabinets onto a schooner and sail over to our Kauai skyscraper and get back to spreading them sheets! Phase 3 is when we get some actual physical globes with which we can take turns spinning the ball around blindfolded, then touch a random spot with our finger to find out which country we’re gonna live when we grow up.